I don't claim to know everything about everything, but I like to think I know a little about a lot of different things. C'mon ask me what Don Mattingly's career batting average was? .307. How many albums did Alphaville release? Six. Who has the biggest penis in hollywood? Liam Niessan. Ahhh, there it is folks, the trifecta of what we all love. Sports, Music and Hard Cocks.
While I do spend copious amounts of time playing, listening to, and day dreaming about those things, I also love movies. Films. Talkies. Joints, if you will. Whatever name you prefer, I love 'em. Now, as I said before I don't claim to know everything, nor do I claim to know how to write, direct, or even act in a film (Trust me). If I did, then that would definitely give me all the right in the world to criticize them. But I'm not here to put people down for a job that I cant even do myself, in an attempt to make me feel better about my highly unsuccessful life. No, I'm here to talk about "Da good shit" as they say. Every now and then I'll also mention those two hour blocks of time, sometimes entertaining, but always helping us forget that we're all dying a little bit every day.
I think a lot of critics/ random people on the internet forget that: IT'S JUST A MOVIE MOTHER FUCKER!!! Nobody's life is in danger, so therefore, it don't mean shit. So what if every now and then you waste a couple of hours watching something that wasn't quite your cup of tea. What were you gonna do instead? That's right, probably just jerk off and take a nap. Now, I must give credit where credit is due. Of those heartless/imagination-less(?) bastards there have been a few who have ventured into the realm of actually making a film instead of just complaining about them. Some of them good (Jean Luc Godard), some (not to be a critic here) just plain shit (Roger Ebert).
So as you may have deciphered, I don't intend on "reviewing" films that I didn't connect with. What's the point of watching something, disliking it, then having to relive it again by writing about it. Life's too short for that shit. If I do come across a film I didn't care too much for, I may give it a quick mention and say I didn't like it. Then you probably wont bother seeing it because of my disapproval. Which is obvious, because everyone's tastes are the same. I mean, C'mon, all of our top ten favorite films look the same, with Juwanna mann sitting pretty at number Four.
On top of not reviewing films that aren't my cup of tea, I don't plan on reviewing in the "normal" fashion. Which tends to be a basic synopsis of the film, spoiling everything, leaving the reader no reason to go out and actually view the film. I will attempt to avoid doing that and instead try to build the readers interest in the film by giving them small facts, comparing the film to the original screenplay and... other stuff that I cant think of right now. While viewing these films, I will simultaneously be getting, for lack of a better word, fucked up. No, not fucked up, I think having a Beer is more appropriate (Drunk on Film, get it.) Upon finishing this beverage, I will "review" that as well.
On top of not reviewing films that aren't my cup of tea, I don't plan on reviewing in the "normal" fashion. Which tends to be a basic synopsis of the film, spoiling everything, leaving the reader no reason to go out and actually view the film. I will attempt to avoid doing that and instead try to build the readers interest in the film by giving them small facts, comparing the film to the original screenplay and... other stuff that I cant think of right now. While viewing these films, I will simultaneously be getting, for lack of a better word, fucked up. No, not fucked up, I think having a Beer is more appropriate (Drunk on Film, get it.) Upon finishing this beverage, I will "review" that as well.
Beer Nut columnist Norman Miller
Like I said with film, I'm no expert. The same goes for Beer. I've read way too many reviews of beer that usually go something like this:
"Up front it has hints of caramel and toffee, but the finish is rather nutty." I'm sorry but i've had a lot of different beers in my time, and never have I tasted a nut. I think I'd know if there was nut in my beer. So to avoid sounding as "cunty" as the people who talk about beers like that, mine will basically be "it was good, drink it." Also I must give credit where credit is due, Norman Miller is not one of those "cunty" reviewers, actually his pieces are quite good and he's very knowledgeable. He's also one of the first pictures i found when i googled "beer nut".
So I guess that's what you have to look forward to. If you don't like, as I said before don't bother with it, but i hope you do!
"Up front it has hints of caramel and toffee, but the finish is rather nutty." I'm sorry but i've had a lot of different beers in my time, and never have I tasted a nut. I think I'd know if there was nut in my beer. So to avoid sounding as "cunty" as the people who talk about beers like that, mine will basically be "it was good, drink it." Also I must give credit where credit is due, Norman Miller is not one of those "cunty" reviewers, actually his pieces are quite good and he's very knowledgeable. He's also one of the first pictures i found when i googled "beer nut".
So I guess that's what you have to look forward to. If you don't like, as I said before don't bother with it, but i hope you do!
Watch good Film, Drink good Beer!
